Family Guy Meets Redneck Joe
by Jemascola
Summary: The Griffins have a room for rent in their house, and I decide to seize the opportunity.
1. Room For Rent

Family Guy Meets Redneck Joe

A/N: This is a story about me visiting Family Guy. Please review. Comments & criticisms welcome. Thanks.

Chapter 1: Room For Rent

In the small town of Quahog, Rhode Island resided an ordinary family (by today's standards). The family was none other than the Griffin family. They were a family of six, and though they bickered a lot, they still enjoyed one another's company. The family members were Peter, the father, Lois, the mother, Meg, the daughter, Chris, the older son, Stewie, the evil toddler son, and Brian, the family dog that could talk and speak perfect English.

One summer afternoon, the Griffins were in the living room watching television except for Peter. He was expected to arrive home soon, though. He worked from 9:00 in the morning 'till 3:00 in the afternoon.

Peter opened the door and sat down on the couch with Lois, Brian, and Stewie to watch TV. "Hey, guys," Peter said. "I bought something that you're all really gonna love."

"What is it?" Lois asked.

"It's in the backyard. Follow me," Peter said. Everyone got off the couch and followed Peter into the backyard. "Ta-da!" Peter yelled. Everyone looked up in shock. Before their eyes, they saw a large mountain of used tires. They smelt, and they towered over the house. It was a big eyesore.

"Tires, Peter?" Brian asked.

"Oh, yeah. They're fun to play around in, ya know. I even invited Cleveland, and Quagmire to play in the tires," Peter said.

Suddenly, Cleveland burst out from the tires about 20 feet up. He wore a pot on his head and had a garden rake in his hand. Apparently he was supposed to be some sort of soldier. "Die, Quagmire!" he bellowed.

Quagmire burst from under the tires closer to the ground. He, too, was wearing a pot and held a garden rake. "Giggity giggity giggity!" he shouted. He turned to Peter. "Hey, Peter, I brought a friend over in the pile. I hope you don't mind," Quagmire said.

"Oh, no, Glen, I don't mind. The more the merrier!" Peter said. At that instant, a hot naked blonde popped out through the tire hole.

Quagmire stared at her. "Heh heh…ALRIGHT!"

Lois turned to Peter. "Peter, why do we really need a bunch of worn-out _tires_ in our lawn? And more importantly…how much did they cost?"

"Umm…well…Lois, promise you won't get mad?" Peter asked.

"I promise," Lois said.

"Ha! Your promises are about as strong as the Tacoma Narrows Bridge," Peter said.

(Flashback: Tacoma Narrows Bridge, 1940. Two men are standing on the bridge. It is shaking. The first man says, "This bridge is kinda shaky. Maybe we should get off as soon as possible." The second man says, "Nah, this thing always shakes. It's perfectly safe." The first man says, "Why do you say that?" The second man says, "'Cause the government told us that it's safe." The first man says, "Oh…right…good old government. The government's always right!" The bridge then collapses with both men screaming as they are about to fall into the river. Flashback ends.)

"Peter, I just wanna know how much all those useless tires you bought cost," Lois said.

"Umm…well, let's see…you're 40, right. So, now, if you add another four zeros to the end of that, you might have the final answer," Peter said.

"FOUR-HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS! You spent _four-hundred thousand dollars_ on **TIRES**!" Lois shouted.

"Yeah, who wouldn't?" Peter said. Lois growled and gave Peter a hard punch on the nose. "OW, Lois, easy!" Peter said.

"Peter, we don't even HAVE $400,000! How are we going to pay for those tires?"

"Umm…maybe we could donate the kids to science. I mean, look at Chris. He's so fat that he'd be real easy to dissect," Peter said.

"Mom!" Chris whined.

"It's okay, Chris. Peter, we're not donating the kids," Lois said. "Why don't you just get rid of the damned tires?"

"No way!" Peter said. "They're freakin' awesome!"

"Why don't we take a second mortgage?" Brian suggested.

"We can't do that! We're barely able to afford our first! Besides, I feel so stupid having to take out a second mortgage over TIRES," Lois said.

Cleveland climbed down from the tire mountain. "I couldn't help but hear your predicament. I have a suggestion. Why don't you make a room for rent? You could make some money and also get to know more people," he said.

"Hey, that's a great idea, Cleveland!" Peter said. He turned to Lois. "Lois, it's official. We're making a room for rent!"

"But we don't even have any free rooms," Lois said. "Besides…I don't know about opening our house to total strangers. There's a whole bunch of weirdos out there. You never know who's coming inside!"

"Relax, Lois," Peter said. "We don't use the basement that much. Plus, we've got a tractor down there, too. There's also a washer, a drier, a box, another box, and yet another box, and another box, and…I think there's another box, and –"

"Peter! We get it! Yes, there are a lot of boxes in the basement!" Lois said.

"Lois, why don't we just move some of the stuff to the side of the basement until the person's done renting the room?" suggested Brian.

"Good idea, Brian," Lois said.

"Thanks again, Cleveland," Peter said. Then, he and the Griffins went back inside. Cleveland turned back to the tire mountain, and he saw Quagmire naked on top of the naked blonde. "Quagmire, do you really have to do that in public?"

"Heh heh…ALRIGHT!" Quagmire said.

Inside, the Griffins were in the basement moving boxes to the sides of the walls. Stewie was looking through some of the boxes and found one of his old ray guns. "Oh yes…I remember this baby. I almost killed Lois with it…but it broke down before I could use it, and I never was able to fix it." Stewie sighed and put it back in the box.

Meg walked up to Lois. "Hey, Mom, where is the boarder going to sleep? There's not a bed down here."

"I think we have a cot down here someplace," Lois said. "Would you mind looking for it?"

"Sure, Mom," Meg said, leaving to look for the cot.

Peter left the basement to post a sign on the front lawn. The sign said, "ROOM FOR RENT…$950 a month." Then, Peter went back inside the house. He then went back out and hammered down another sign that said, "No Communists, Fascists, Whiggers, Goths, Geeks, or Total Morons." Peter giggled and went back to the basement.

"Here's the cot, Mom," Meg said.

"Thanks, honey," Lois said, unfolding the cot and placing it by the stairs.

"Wow, the basement looks great," Peter said. "It almost looks like a penthouse. I wish I were the boarder here."

"Peter, are you crazy? It's still a bit musty," Lois said.

"Everything's been an illusion to him since the time he got drunk with gasoline," Brian said.

(Flashback: Gas station, two weeks ago. The car is by a pump, and Peter placed the nozzle into the car. He then walked over to another pump while the other one was filling the car. Peter then placed the other nozzle in his mouth and began to drink the gas. "Hmm, this is a funny tasting beer," he said. Then, he instantly collapsed in the ground and passed out. He woke up several hours later at night. The gas from his car had overflowed, and the nozzle was still injecting gas. Peter looked up at the glowing gas station sign with the outrageously high prices. "Wow…" Peter commented. "Gas prices sure are dirt cheap." Flashback ends.)

"I put a sign out there. I hope we can get some boarders here soon," Peter said.

"Me too, Peter. I'm still mad at you for buying all those tires," Lois said.

"Okay, okay, fine, no sex for _you_ tonight!" Peter said.

"What was that?" Lois asked.

"Nothing," lied Peter.


	2. Rickety Pickup Truck

Chapter 2: Rickety Pickup Truck

One month later, down in the southeastern United States, a teenage boy was busy loading his truck. He led all his hunting dogs into the bed, and they all crowded inside, barking their heads off. A few of them banged around on the two oil drums that were in the bed of the truck. The boy also got 50 of his hunting rifles and placed them in the cab of his truck.

This boy was rather unique. He was 16 years old and was on the short side. He had long, shaggy brown hair. He had a black cap that said, "5.7 LITER HEMI" which promoted the new Dodge Ram 1500 truck that Dodge had released earlier that year. The boy had a long blue shirt that was unbuttoned all the way down. It exposed his naked chest. He had a large belt buckle with a confederate flag on it. He also had faded blue jeans and leather skin boots. He had a bit of hay coming from his mouth.

"Dis trip to Upstate New Yawk is gonna be sweet," the boy said with a deep Southern accent. He then got in his truck, which was a rusty dark brown Toyota, and turned the ignition key. The truck's engine was loud and fierce, and it grew even louder when the boy floored the truck. The Toyota took off and got on the interstates.

The driver honked his loud, annoying horn as he weaved in and out of cars that were preventing him from going at a fast speed. To make matters worse, the dogs were barking loudly at other cars, and some of the cars got mad enough that they rammed into the back of the Toyota.

The driver looked out the back of the window. "Hey, watch it, you! Cain't you see dis is my truck?" Suddenly, he heard loud sirens. Multiple police cars were after him. "I'd better put the hammer down," the driver said, setting the truck to a different gear so it could go faster. The truck went even faster, and it weaved in and out of cars, again trying to allude the police. Finally, the driver saw that the police passed by him, clueless where he was. Just then, his truck began to sputter, and its engine made loud, grinding noises. He decided to drive a bit slower, realizing he could get in trouble.

Several hours passed, and the driver found himself passing through Rhode Island. "Uh-oh! I'm in Yankee territory, now! I'd better get my guns just in case them blue bellies try to kill me." The driver was passing through Spooner Street, when all of a sudden, his truck gave out on him. It sank lower, and the engine quit running. "Darn it! I'll never get to Upstate New Yawk now. I gotta find me a place to stay 'till my truck's fixed."

He happened to look to his right, and he saw the Griffin house. He even saw a sign. "ROOM FOR RENT…$950 a month." "Room for rent, uh?" the driver thought. "I could use a room for a while. I dunno what's wrong wit my truck, but I think I'll take these Yankees up on their offer…even though they Yankees."

Inside the Griffin house, the family was in the living room watching a movie together. Peter had a bag of popcorn, which he ate the entire time. "This is great," he said, gulping down some popcorn. "I have the day off, and I get the chance to spend time with my wonderful family."

"Dad, you've had the day off for the past month," Meg said.

"You didn't get fired, did you?" Lois asked suspiciously.

Peter chuckled, "You know, Lois, there's a funny story about that…" But before Peter could finish, he was interrupted by the loud, obnoxious honking of a car outside. "What the hell was that?" wondered Peter. "Whoever's making that noise, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind!" He rolled up his sleeves and looked out the window. There, he saw the Toyota and possibly a million dogs barking their heads off. The driver was still blasting the horn.

Peter ran out of the house. "Okay, you dumb bastard! Quit honking that horn, or I'll kick your ass!" he yelled. He banged on the hood of the truck. The driver quit honking the horn and got out of the truck.

"You talking to me?" the driver asked.

"Yeah! Get your jalopy out of here!" said Peter.

The driver said, "You Peter Griffin?"

"Yes," Peter said, looking angry.

"Hell, man, cool," the driver said. "I see the TV show they do about you all the time," he said. "Pleasure to meet you. My name's Joey, but you can just call me Redneck Joe." Redneck Joe and Peter shook hands. "I carry along some of my finest rifles with me when I go hunting. Y'all wanna see 'em?" Redneck Joe asked.

"Sure," Peter said. Redneck Joe unloaded 50 rifles from his truck. "Whoa! Why do you have 50 rifles for hunting?" Peter wondered.

"It's just a small fraction of the number of rifles I have back home in the Deep South," Redneck Joe said. "I reckon I have o'er 2500 rifles at least."

"Wow," Peter said.

"Want me to demonstrate one of my rifles?" Redneck Joe asked.

"Sure," Peter said.

Redneck Joe randomly selected one of his rifles and loaded it. He aimed it at the sky, careful not to aim at any people, cars, houses, etc. He pulled the trigger, and Peter shrieked and jumped back in shock when the rifle fired loudly. It sounded like a tremendous explosion, especially when being so close to the rifle. Not long after the shot was fired, a car siren wailed a few houses down. "Damn it! Accidentally shot a car. 'Nother shot or two will shut it up," Redneck Joe said, shooting the car again a few more times. The car siren finally shut off.

"You sure have mad gun skills there, Redneck Joe," Peter said.

"Damn straight," Redneck Joe said.

"Hey, we've got a room for rent, and nobody's taken up on the offer yet. You wanna be the boarder?" Peter said.

"Shore," Redneck Joe said. "Love to. Lemme just get my stuff."

"Stuff? What stuff?" Peter wondered.

"My luggage. I was going on a deer hunt in upstate New Yawk, but my truck broke down in front of your house. What a twist of luck for me to end up in front of your house," Redneck Joe said. He came out of the truck with several guns and camouflage duffel bags.

"Come on, Redneck Joe, I'll introduce you to the family." Redneck Joe joined Peter inside.

"Family, I'd like for you to meet the driver of that old ramshackle truck, Redneck Joe!" Peter said.

"'Ey, 'ey, how y'all doin?" Redneck Joe greeted. He panned the room to see all the Griffins.

"Nice to meet you," Lois said. "Why were you honking?"

"Well, I just wanted to get your attention. See, I was headed to a deer hunt in New Yawk, but my truck got busted," Redneck Joe said. "And down where I come from, everybody loves _Family Guy_."

"Well, it's nice to see that people actually watch the show," Peter said.

"Hell, yeah, it's a big hit," Redneck Joe said.

"Uh, Redneck Joe, just how long do you plan to stop by?" Peter wondered.

"Oh, I dunno, maybe about a week or so," Redneck Joe said.

"A week! Why that short?" wondered Lois. "Our room is available for a whole month!"

"Fine, I'll take it for a month. I didn't really plan to stay dat long, though. See, my truck's bin giving me some trouble for the past couple of months. I didn't give much notice, though, 'til my truck started sputtering 'long them highway innerstates. I reckon problem's somethin' with the durn motor, so I'm gunna have to stay here in Quahog for a cupple ov days till I can fix my truck," Redneck Joe explained.

"Well, you're welcome to stay," Peter said.

"I'm purdy damn grateful," Redneck Joe said. Then, Redneck Joe went back to his truck to get his truck out of the street. He then shouted, "YEEEE-HAW!" very loudly.

"So, what do you think of the redneck?" Peter asked the family.

"Eh…he's a bit eccentric…but I'll get used to him," Brian said.

"He seems like a nice guy," Lois said.

"Seems pretty awesome," Chris said.

"He's kinda cute, too," Meg commented. Everyone suddenly looked at her. "What?" she said.

"Hmm…I wonder how his rifles compare to my plastic ray guns?" Stewie thought. "I can't help but wonder…"

Then, Redneck Joe entered the house again. "Okay, so where's the room at?"

"It's in the basement," Lois said.

"The basement? All right, I'm in heaven! Us rednecks love basements!" Redneck Joe headed down to the basement with his luggage. He looked around. The Griffins followed him downstairs. "Nice, nice," Redneck Joe said. "I wish it were a bit messier, though."

"See, Lois, I told you we shouldn't have cleaned up the basement," Peter said.


	3. First Night

Chapter 3: First Night

Later that day, Lois called the family to dinner. Everyone including Redneck Joe gathered at the dining room and sat down at the table. Lois placed a giant turkey in the middle of the table. Everyone said grade and then got several slices and began to eat. They all enjoyed it, even Redneck Joe. Stewie was given little chopped pieces of turkey, but he did not eat them. He threw them at Brian repeatedly.

"Stewie, stop that!" Brain said as he was trying to eat.

"So…your dawg can talk?" Redneck Joe said.

"Yeah," Peter laughed. "It's kinda weird, ain't it?"

"I'll say," Redneck Joe said.

"Redneck Joe, what are your friends like?" Chris asked.

"Well, I reckon they purdy good. Gotta friend named Phil Harris. He's gotta International diesel truck from 1980. Yep, and there's this other guy, Tyler. He sure as hell ain't a redneck, but me and Phil hang with him anyway," Joey said.

"Have any _girl_friends?" Meg asked, seeming persistent.

Redneck Joe placed his hand on his chin and looked up and the ceiling, as if he were in thought. "Well, had one fur a while, but we broke up a cupple ov months ago. So fur now, I'm single," he replied.

"Yes!" Meg said quietly to herself.

"So, I hear you really like rifles and hunting," Stewie said.

"Oh, yeah, man. Dey be purdy durn awesome," Redneck Joe said.

"Could…you show me some of them sometime?" Stewie asked.

Redneck Joe noticed Lois shaking her head frantically. "Don't think I should," Redneck Joe said.

"Damn you!" Stewie shouted. He then took out his ray gun and tried to fire Redneck Joe. Unfortunately, Stewie forgot to put the batteries inside. "Blast!" Stewie yelled.

"Stewie, put your toys away," Lois said. "We have a guest."

"I couldn't help but notice you had some dogs in your truck," Brian started. He paused for a moment. "Any chance there are any girl dogs in the pack?"

"Brian!" Lois snapped. "Sorry, Redneck Joe."

"It be all right," Redneck Joe said. "Y'know, y'all are purdy nice fur bein' Yankees."

Suddenly, the family stopped eating, dropped their forks, and gasped. They stared at Redneck Joe with their mouths wide open.

"What did you call us?" Peter thundered, sounding offended.

"I'm just playin' y'all," Redneck Joe said. "Y'all are cool." The family looked relieved and went back to eating.

About an hour later, Redneck Joe entered the living room and caught the family watching TV. "'Ey, 'ey, what's goin' on, Griffins?" Redneck Joe asked.

"We're watching TV," Peter said. "Have you heard of it? It's a box with a bunch of moving pictures on it, and sound comes out of it, too."

"Shaddup, Yank, I know whut TV is," Redneck Joe said.

"What shows do you like, Redneck Joe?" Lois asked.

"Mind if I show ya?" Redneck Joe asked. Lois handed him the remote, and he changed the channel to FOX.

On the TV, there were four men standing outside a wooden fence. They were drinking beer. "Yep," one of them said. "Yep," another one said. "Yep," another one said. "Mm-hmm," the other one said.

Redneck Joe burst into laughter. "AH HA HA HA! Whoo, man, that was funny!" The Griffins looked at him like he was crazy.

"_King of the Hill_, huh? I hate this show. It's lame," Stewie said. The other Griffins murmured in agreement.

"Any of y'all watch _Blue Collar TV_?" Redneck Joe asked. "Any fans of Larry the Cable Guy?"

"Redneck Joe, keep in mind that we're from different regions. We don't speak Redneck," Brian explained.

"Sorry," Redneck Joe said. He left the living room and went down to the basement for the night.

Later that night, Redneck Joe was all set up in the basement. He had his guns spread out in various locations, his deer plaques were hung all around, and all his dogs raced all through the large basement. Redneck Joe seemed very grateful, and he thanked the Griffins for their hospitality.

Things got a little bit rougher later, though. Around 2:30 in the morning, one of Cleveland's dogs was howling loudly. That did not last long. Soon, the whole neighborhood heard loud gunshots coming from the Griffins' house. "Shaddup you got damn dog!" shouted Redneck Joe. Then, another one of Cleveland's dogs began barking. Redneck Joe fired a series of shots as a warning. "What da hell is wrong wit you dogs?" shouted Redneck Joe. Soon, all the dogs in the neighborhood, including Joey's own dogs were barking. "Shut the hell up!" shouted Redneck Joe. "I'm tryin ta sleep!" He continued to fire gunshots.

Neighbors yelled angrily and poured into the streets to discuss it. The Griffins came downstairs and found Redneck Joe peering into his gun. "Blast it," he grunted. "This one's outta ammo. Gotta git down to the store and pick some up."

"Is there something wrong with you?" yelled Peter. "This is Quahog, not middle Georgia! You don't just go shooting your guns when somebody's dog pisses you off!"

"Sorry if I caused any trouble 'round here," Redneck Joe apologized. "What can I do to make up for it?" Peter shrugged, and with that, the Griffins went back upstairs.


	4. Quahog Gets a Taste of Redneck Charm

Chapter 4: Quahog Gets a Taste of Redneck Charm

The next morning, the Griffins gathered in the kitchen for breakfast. Lois called Redneck Joe up, but he didn't reply right away. He was still worn out from earlier in the night when he was deprived of sleep from the barking of all the dogs. One of his dogs finally licked him on the face. Redneck Joe went upstairs, wearing exactly the same clothes as he did before. The family seemed shocked.

"Uh…Redneck Joe…you're wearing the same clothes you did yesterday…aren't you?" Lois asked.

"Yes'um. Actually, 'dees 'ave been da clothes I've worn for the past month er so," Redneck Joe said. The family groaned. "All right, all right, I'll go check my duffle bag downstairs an see if 'deres anything else." Redneck Joe checked his duffle bag and got dressed in camouflage pants and a red flannel shirt…which was still unbuttoned. His "5.7 LITER HEMI" cap, belt buckle, and leather skin boots still remained in place. He went back upstairs and joined the family for breakfast. They all had cereal.

"Redneck Joe, I'm gonna introduce you to some of the neighbors," Peter said.

"Aw, that'll be cool," Redneck Joe said.

"And I'll show you some of my friends," Meg said.

"But Meg, you don't have any friends," Chris said.

"Shut up, Chris!" Meg snapped.

"Dis gets better an better by de moment," Redneck Joe said, leaning back in his chair. "It's just like watching _Family Guy_ on TV…only in person…which is much better."

When the family finished breakfast, Peter led Redneck Joe outside. "Okay, Redneck Joe…hey, hold on, is it okay if I just call you 'Joe' for short?" Peter asked.

"Oh, sure, man, 'dat be alright," Redneck Joe said.

"Okay, then," Peter said. "We'll go meet the neighbors first. Let's see Cleveland first. They went to Cleveland's house and knocked at his door. Cleveland opened the door. "Cleveland, meet our boarder, Redneck Joe, or 'Joe' for short."

"Well, hey there, Joe," Cleveland said. "It's kinda funny, 'cause there just happens to be another Joe right here in the neighborhood. He's a policeman in a wheelchair. He lives next door to Peter. Oh, and did you hear that some bastard was trying to shoot my dogs last night? I'll kill the guy who did that whenever I find him!"

"Heh heh…good for you…" Joe said, feeling a bit uneasy around Cleveland. He felt guilty about the incident the night before.

"We'll see ya later, Cleveland," Peter said. They went to Joe's house. "Hey, Peter, who's the hick?" Joe asked.

"This is our boarder, Redneck Joe, or 'Joe' for short," Peter said.

"'Ey, man, it be cool. We both have the same name," Redneck Joe said.

"Are you supposed to be a redneck or something?" Joe asked.

"Yessir," Redneck Joe said.

"Oh, okay, 'cause if you weren't, I'd have to call you a refugee from a mental institution," Joe said. He and Peter then laughed hysterically. Peter then led Redneck Joe to Quagmire's house.

"Heya, Peter. Who's this?" Quagmire asked.

"This is Redneck Joe," Peter said, "or Joe for short. Joe, this is Quagmire."

"How 'ya doing, kid?" Quagmire asked.

"Purdy good, how 'bout yourself?" Redneck Joe asked.

"Heh heh…ALRIGHT!" Quagmire said.

Later, Peter and Redneck Joe returned home. Meg led Redneck Joe upstairs to show him her "friends."

"This is one of my friends, Fluffy," Meg said, showing Redneck Joe a fuzzy white cat. She picked up a Barbie doll. "And this is Barbie. We're really good friends. We talk about _everything_." She moved on. "And this is my bestest friend ever, Mr. Cuddles," Meg smiled, holding a pink teddy bear.

"Nice," Redneck Joe said. "Just wonderin', do y'all have any human friends?"

"No, not really," Meg sighed.

"Y'should, man. You kinda cute," Redneck Joe said. "Why don't we go to a movie or somethin' sometime?" Meg suddenly felt lightheaded and collapsed unconsciously on the floor.

Meanwhile, Stewie was running about down in the basement. "Hmm…that redneck had some guns somewhere, I'm sure of it! He used them to shut Cleveland's dogs up." He looked through Redneck Joe's duffle bag. "A confederate flag, 'The Redneck Monthly', a Toyota truck manual, a pack of bullets, YES! Now there's got to be a gun here someplace." Stewie walked backwards and then tripped over something. "What's this?" He looked behind him, and he beamed when he saw Redneck Joe's rifle. "VICTORY IS MINE!" Stewie shouted. He loaded the gun and picked it up. He ran up the stairs with it.


	5. The Date

Chapter 5: The Date

Redneck Joe was in the driveway of the Griffin house. It was an unusually hot day, and the temperature was 101 degrees Fahrenheit. Redneck Joe was underneath his truck, turning a wrench to see if he could fix his truck. Unfortunately, the stinging hot driveway was almost unbearable for his back.

"Oh, damn it! Dis driveway too damn hot. Gotta find 'nother place to fix my truck," Redneck Joe said. He got up from under his truck. Redneck Joe looked around, and he saw the Griffins' garage. There were no cars inside. Practically nothing was inside. "Hmm…that 'dere shed might work," Redneck Joe said. He went behind his truck and used all his strength to push the truck around the Griffins' station wagon and into the garage. After doing so, Redneck Joe gathered all his tools he had lying on the driveway. However, he could not find adequate space to put them while working on his truck. "Darn it! Dis garage be too damn small ta work. Gotta find some other place."

Suddenly, Meg entered the garage. "You ready to go?" she asked.

"Naw," Redneck Joe said. "My truck's busted, and I can't find a good spot ta fix it."

"I can drive our car," Meg said sweetly.

"Thanks," Redneck Joe said. "Afterward, I gotta see about getting' my truck fixed."

Then, she and Redneck Joe got in the Griffins' car and backed out. Redneck Joe looked down at the sides of the car. "Y'know what this car needs? A good paint job. Oughtta paint some good ol'e confederate flags on the sides, dere," Redneck Joe said.

"You're…kinda weird," Meg said.

Back at the Griffin house, Stewie carried Redneck Joe's gun into the kitchen. "Oh, Lois. Lois…" he called.

"What is it, sweetheart?" Lois called from the living room.

"Come here for a moment. I have something to give to you," Stewie said. Lois entered the kitchen, and Stewie angled the gun at her. "It's a BULLET!" he yelled, "followed by DEATH!" he yelled.

"Stewie, no!" Lois said.

Just then, Peter and Chris entered the kitchen through the back door, completely unaware of what Stewie was trying to do. Peter picked up the gun. "Hey, this must be one of Redneck Joe's guns," he said. "Chris, it's time for me to teach you to be a man. We'll have some target practice in the backyard."

"Cool, Dad!" Chris said.

"Curse you, Fatman! I almost killed her!" Stewie yelled.

"Stewie, I think you need a nappie-pye," Lois said.

"I don't need any 'nappie-pye'," Stewie ridiculed.

Brian walked in through the back door. "Has anybody seen Meg?"

"She went to the movies with Redneck Joe," Lois answered.

"AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Peter burst into laughter. He then slammed his fists on the table. He then fell on it, and it snapped in half. Peter fell on the floor, and injured his leg. "Hiss…OWWW! Hiss…OWWW! Hiss…OWWW!" he yelled.

Meanwhile, Meg and Redneck Joe arrived at the Quahog movie theater. They walked up to the wall with the various movie posters and looked them over to decide what movie to watch.

"What do you want to see?" Redneck Joe asked.

"_The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants_," Meg replied.

Redneck Joe snorted. "Actually, I was thinkin' 'bout this'un," he said, pointing to another movie poster.

"_The Dukes of Hazzard_?" Meg said, sounding skeptical.

"Yep. It's got Burt Reynolds in it. Hey, have you seen _Smokey and the Bandit_?" Redneck Joe asked. Meg shook her head. "_Cannonball Run_?" She shook her head again. "_Gator_?"

She shook her head once again. "I'm not a redneck," she said.

"Still, they be good movies," Redneck Joe said.

Meg sighed. "Fine…we'll see _The Dukes of Hazzard_."

Redneck Joe hollered, "YEEEE HAWWW!"

Meg placed her hand on Redneck Joe's shoulder. "Please…don't do that." Redneck Joe looked around and noticed that several people gave him strange looks.

Redneck Joe snorted. "Damned Yankees."

Redneck Joe and Meg approached the ticket booth. "Two tickets fur _The Dukes of Hazzard_," Redneck Joe said. The attendant pressed a button, and two tickets came out. He pushed the tickets outside the glass, and Redneck Joe took them.

"Say…are you okay in the head?" the attendant asked.

"Sure, why?" Redneck Joe asked.

"You must be some kind of hillbilly or redneck or something," the attendant said.

"And you must be some kind of blue-belly Yank," Redneck Joe said. The attendant looked offended, and Redneck Joe and Meg entered the theater. They gave their tickets to another person inside, who broke part of them in half and handed them the other part. The two looked around and found the room where _The Dukes of Hazzard_ was playing.

The two took seats near the back of the theater so they could view the movie screen the best. Meg happened to notice that she and Redneck Joe were the only ones in the room. The movie started. They watched for a while, and the two found themselves leaning against each other, with their arms around their shoulders. But that abruptly ended when one scene really cracked Redneck Joe up.

A cop walked up to Daisy. "What seems to be the problem, sugar?"

Daisy said, "I think something bounced up into my undercarriage."

With that, Redneck Joe jumped out of his seat and rolled on the floor, rolling down the theater aisle. "AH HA HA HA!" he shouted.

"Shut up!" Meg said. "That wasn't that funny." Redneck Joe would not stop laughing. He rolled all the way down to the bottom of the theater. Meg sighed and got up. "Okay, I've had it. We're going home." She and Redneck Joe left the theater, with Redneck Joe still laughing his butt off.

(A/N: I don't own _Smokey and the Bandit_, _Cannonball Run_, _Gator_, _The Dukes of Hazzard_, _The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants_, _Burt Reynolds_, _Family Guy_, or any of the _Family Guy_ characters.)


	6. Annoyed

Chapter 6: Annoyed

Meg and Redneck Joe returned home from the movies. Redneck Joe immediately went back into the shed to try working on his truck some more. Meg stormed into the house. Lois went outside and joined Redneck Joe in the garage.

"Hey, Joe. How was your little date?" Lois asked.

"It be purdy good," he said, turning his wrench underneath the truck. "We saw _The Dukes of Hazzard_. We thought it was hilarious."

"_The Dukes of Hazzard_? You thought _that_ was funny?" Lois asked with concern.

"Yes'um," Redneck Joe said, taking a screw driver and unscrewing a part from the truck.

Lois shrugged, "Well, it's about time she went on a date with someone, anyway. I appreciate what you did."

"No prob," Redneck Joe said.

Lois then went back inside the house to talk to Meg, who was sitting on the couch watching TV. She did not look very happy. "So, Meg, how did you like your outing with Redneck Joe?"

"It sucked," Meg said.

"Why?" Lois asked.

"The guy's such a weirdo! When we were driving, he said we ought to paint Confederate flags on the car. Then, we went to this lame-o Dukes of Hazzard movie, which was totally NOT funny. He laughed at this stupid little scene. I had enough, so we went home," Meg said.

"I'm sorry you feel that way," Lois said. "Redneck Joe said the two of you had a good time."

"Maybe **he** did, but I didn't," Meg said.

"I'll admit, he is a bit strange…just walks in our house with an unbuttoned shirt and that corny Southern accent," Lois said. "And he's always talking about his guns and his truck. It's like that's all he ever talks about."

Just then, Brian walked in the room and joined in the conversation. "Are you guys talking about Redneck Joe?"

"Yeah," Meg said. "He took me on a date to the movies, and we went to _The Dukes of Hazzard_. He laughed at the gayest parts."

"Redneck Joe is crazy," Brian said. "I can see why none of us really like him that much. It's like that time when we moved to the South when Chris was threatened by that criminal."

"Wait…" Lois said. "Didn't you and Peter drive our car around? And if I recall, you redneckified it."

Brian sighed and hung his head in shame. "Please don't bring that up, Lois. I'm still trying to forget about that. I wish that never happened. Where was my dignity!"

Later that evening, the Griffins and Redneck Joe ate dinner in the dining room after saying grace. They all had chicken noodle soup.

"So, Joe, how was your date with _Meg_?" Peter smirked. He then laughed his head off and dunked his head in the soup. "Ow! Ow! Ow!" Peter yelled.

"Purdy damned good," Redneck Joe said. "We went to _The Dukes of Hazzard_. Best movie ever made, I swear. It's so funny. Why, 'dere's this one scene where this cop goes up to Daisy Duke, and he's like…"

"No!" Meg shouted. "It was **_not_** good. I **_hated_** it! You are a dumbass redneck!" She got up from the table and ran up to her room.

The family was silent for a moment and then looked at Redneck Joe. "So anyways, the cop's like, 'what seems to be the problem, sugar?' Then, Daisy's like, 'I think something bounced up into my undercarriage.'" Redneck Joe laughed histerically, but he stopped when he realized none of the Griffins were laughing.

"_The Dukes of Hazzard_ sucks," Peter said.

Later that night, Redneck Joe was down in the basement shooting targets with his gun for fun, and Lois and Peter were in the room. "Peter, what should we do about Redneck Joe? He's really getting annoying now," Lois said.

"I know, the kid's getting on my nerves. I haven't been this annoyed since the time I watched _Pay It Forward_," Peter said.

(Flashback: Five years ago, movie theater. Peter is sitting in a movie theater chair, eating popcorn, and watching Pay It Forward. Onscreen, Eugene Simonet is talking to Mrs. Mickinney. "I didn't realize Trevor sent you this note saying you wanted to see me," Mrs. Mickinney said. "Oh-no, it's okay, really, no explanation required," Mr. Simmonet said. "What!" Mrs. Mickinney said. "I'm actually a very affable person once you get to know my attributes," Mr. Simmonet said. Peter shouts boo, and throws popcorn at the screen. "I swear, this is so annoying. He keeps using these big words I can't understand. Kevin Spacey sucks!" End flashback.)

"Well, maybe if he doesn't stop acting so weird, we can close the rented room offer, and get him out of our house," Lois said.

"Great idea, Lois," Peter said.


	7. Redneck Joe's Departure

Chapter 7: Redneck Joe's Departure

Later that night, all the Griffins were asleep. That is, until they heard a loud motor roaring into their backyard. They even heard a crunching noise, and the noise subsided.

"Peter…what was that?" Lois asked with concern.

"Ah, don't worry about that," Peter said. "I'll bet Quagmire's just having another shindig at his house."

Lois went down to the basement around 11:30 to do the laundry. Also, she wondered why Redneck Joe had not come upstairs yet. To her surprise, Redneck Joe was in his underwear while fixing his truck!

"Top of the marnin'," Redneck Joe greeted. "Just fixin my truck."

"How did you get your truck in here? We don't have a boat door," Lois said, sounding a bit disgusted.

"Had to tear dat there wall down," Redneck Joe said, pointing to a large space where a wall had once been. Lois gasped in shock. That apparently was the crunching noise that had been made the night before.

"What gives you the right to tear down our house?" she yelled.

"Cause, I gotta fix my truck," Redneck Joe said.

"But this is not _your_ house! It's rude! If you want to fix your truck so bad, do it in the driveway or in the garage!" Lois complained.

"Hail no," Redneck Joe said, continuing to fix his truck. "Driveway's too damn hot and garage ain't got the same big space as basement."

"I think you've overstayed your welcome," Lois said. "By the end of the day, you'd better get that wall back in place, and you'd better have you, your truck, and all these **damn** **_guns_** outta Quahog!"

"Whutever," muttered Redneck Joe. "I'll do it as soon as my truck's finished being fixed."

"How long will that take?" sighed Lois.

"Like I said, 'bout a week or so."

"OUT! OUT! Get out you dumb redneck!" Lois screamed. With that, Redneck Joe packed his bags, fixed the wall, got his guns, and drove out of Quahog. _Family Guy_ never saw Redneck Joe ever again.


End file.
